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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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8:52 pm - aww yeah.
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so i'm doing quite well. very well. awesomely.
after a minor slip up last night...okay, it was major...i ate half a sub with mayo and lettuce and tomato, and half a cookie, which i purged almost all of...i did surprisingly well today.
as in all i have to eat/drink today...is water and tea.
with no sugar, of course. so we're talking zero calories.
i'm still stuck on 103. why won't it fucking budge?!!!??
i'm so mad. i had better be 102 tomorrow when iwake up or i'm going to just fucking die.
i've been busting my butt.
i think i'm going to have a glass of milk so i don't feel too nauseous tomorrow morning. my body can't handle fasts like most people. i feel like im going to pass out in the morning to the extent that i can't go to school. and i can only sleep. so i don't want to die, you know...just be thin. finally.
the saying nothing tastes as good as thin feels is constantly in my mind. because it's so freaking true.
so i'm going to get myself a glass of milk, and watch tv, and be perfectly content feeling empty.
oh yeah.
goodluck.
-sar
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| Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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4:50 pm
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i lost another pound.
i probably would have lost more if i hadn't spent the night at my friends house. she's constantly eating.
she's also several inches taller than me and weighs about the same.
but last night she was making dinner for her and her boyfriend, and i didn't have ANY. i was so proud of myself. and still am.
this morning her boyfriend made us breakfast, a sandwich with eggs and cheese, so i had to eat it. i tried purging a little of it when i got home, but it tasted of coffee and wouldn't come up.
i weighed myself after eating on my shitty scale and it said 105. aka 103.
last night i went to a show and these guys were like...hitting on me. it was weird. i'm not used to stuff like that.
i will be 100 by the end of next week. just watch me.
i've gotten to the point where i don't even have the URGE to eat. i love it when i get there.
i wish we didn't have people staying with us. it means always going out to eat. which means i have to eat at least something to make them happy. grr.
it sometimes feels like a game. see how little you can eat...i don't know how to explain it...it's like i'm in competition with myself. i always do that with my friends/relatives, too. make sure i eat significantly less than them. especially my cousin that lost about 20 lbs this summer. fuck her.
-sar
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
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3:46 pm
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oh my. our internet has been down for about a week, and i was starting to get PISSED OFF.
try as i might, the weight i gained back just does not want to leave me.
i've been eating a bit...which might be why...but i typically purge what i eat. except for today...i had an apple with a bit of gouda cheese. some water. some green ginger tea. that is all. if i eat anything else i'll purge it. i'm in this vicious cycle and i can't stop myself. binge/purge binge/purge. i hate it when my stomach starts to ache.
but the needle on the scale just doesn't go down. it doesn't. i'm stuck on 108 and it won't go down.
first day of school was today. it wasn't bad...wasn't good, either.
oh my i just want to lose lose lose. why isn't this happening. perhaps because i am on my period. but i can't make these excuses. i don't even know why i got it. it was so light. barely even there. goddamn i don't want to be fat forever.
and i'm sorry if this post is depressing and stupid and 'oh i'm eating but i'm not losing weight' i'm purging and i'm not losing weight.......i feel like a failure....blah.
-sar
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2003
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2:31 am
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okay....for all of you that said those pictures of fatass christina aguilera were fakes. go to: connection.christina-aguilera.net
it's an official site, so they're not going to put up fake pictures of her. and there are several that don't look too flattering...
on other news....
does it bother anyone else when people say they 'fasted for 12 hours' or something along those lines? i personally don't consider anything to be a 'fast' unless it's over 24 hours. it just seems stupid to say fast. like they're trying to make it seem more special, and feel more accomplished. anyone can not eat for a few hours. so don't call it a fast.
yeah. i'm just in a cynical mood right now.
i leave for camp in 2 days.
i ate 3 cookies today. i feel bad about that. it was around 12 in the afternoon though, and i've most likely burned off quite a bit of it. i did some shopping today. i feel empty. it's a good feeling.
i don't want to eat tomorrow.
i've discovered that recently, since i've been having panic attacks and shit, and am pretty sure that i have panic anxiety disorder, whenever i have coffee it seems to curb my appetite, and i get all focued. like how i used to be whenever i would take ADD meds.
it's lovely! now i can just drink coffee and be all hyped up and ready for action.
although it makes me nervous and jittery. you only live once. might as well live it looking hot.
oh my oh my if i don't go to bed i'm just going to ramble on and on about bull crap.
i feel like posting what my measurements are: 36-25-34
yeah that's me. quite unproportional on a 5' frame. a very petite one. that weighs 105 lbs.
i have big boobs. i want them to disappear. anyone else have 34D boobs and are 5' tall weighing about the same as me?
yeah it sucks doesn't it?
-sar
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